This is lovely, Lauren. I have so many thoughts about the process of choosing to become a parent - that decision matrix is complicated, and isolating, and can be painfully heartbreaking, but also beautiful, and life-giving in so many dimensions. It sounds like you're feeling it all, and those feelings can teach you a lot. Something about your essay reminded me of this article from the New Yorker, about the concept of unlived lives: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/12/21/what-if-you-could-do-it-all-over
Also - I love the space references. Did you know there's a hypothesis (I'm not sure how proven it is) that the Earth is actually composed of two planets that fused together during a head-on collision 4.5 billion years ago? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theia_(planet)
Thank you for making space to read this and share your reactions -- it does indeed feel like a heartbreaking, beautiful, ever-expanding matrix.
This part of the New Yorker article really struck me: "But isn’t the negative space in a portrait part of that portrait? In the sense that our unled lives have been imagined by us, and are part of us, they are real; to know what someone isn’t—what she might have been, what she’s dreamed of being—this is to know someone intimately."
And no, I had not seen that theory! But I am going down the rabbit hole right now ❤️
yet I’m reassured by the idea that something so large, so timeline-shifting, is out of my hands.” Gorgeous!
I am often comforted by the theory that there is a timeline on which I followed any path opposite than the one I chose. That there’s a Holly who’s eaten any number of those figs I still long got into my forties. Often when I speak this aloud, I get odd looks.
Thanks for this beautiful exploration of possibilities. And through such a powerful lens--motherhood.
Lauren! Thanks for writing about this topic. I'm 35 too and this has been a major topic in my life, to say Im overthinking motherhood would be an understatement, but I have also found myself incredibly curious about it, I find many parts of it fascinating. At the same time, I have seen my friends become mothers and witnessed how little this society tends to mothers, and how much of an isolating experience it can actually be. Now im in the midst of many decisions: freezing eggs, starting to try, figuring out all my traumas, etc etc etc. I loved a book about these topics called Breasts and Eggs. Loved all your references and your raw honesty. Thank you!
This is lovely, Lauren. I have so many thoughts about the process of choosing to become a parent - that decision matrix is complicated, and isolating, and can be painfully heartbreaking, but also beautiful, and life-giving in so many dimensions. It sounds like you're feeling it all, and those feelings can teach you a lot. Something about your essay reminded me of this article from the New Yorker, about the concept of unlived lives: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/12/21/what-if-you-could-do-it-all-over
Also - I love the space references. Did you know there's a hypothesis (I'm not sure how proven it is) that the Earth is actually composed of two planets that fused together during a head-on collision 4.5 billion years ago? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theia_(planet)
Thank you for making space to read this and share your reactions -- it does indeed feel like a heartbreaking, beautiful, ever-expanding matrix.
This part of the New Yorker article really struck me: "But isn’t the negative space in a portrait part of that portrait? In the sense that our unled lives have been imagined by us, and are part of us, they are real; to know what someone isn’t—what she might have been, what she’s dreamed of being—this is to know someone intimately."
And no, I had not seen that theory! But I am going down the rabbit hole right now ❤️
It felt like there was a *there* there when I first read about the possibility of a planet crashing into another planet to form Earth. That all of this life was created from collision, and our luminous moon its lovechild. And YES I love Joshua Rothman's writing. This is an adjacent essay: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/10/10/are-you-the-same-person-you-used-to-be-life-is-hard-the-origins-of-you
Love this, and you, and our many heart-to-hearts about motherhood and mothering.
❤️🔥🥹❤️🔥🥹❤️🔥
yet I’m reassured by the idea that something so large, so timeline-shifting, is out of my hands.” Gorgeous!
I am often comforted by the theory that there is a timeline on which I followed any path opposite than the one I chose. That there’s a Holly who’s eaten any number of those figs I still long got into my forties. Often when I speak this aloud, I get odd looks.
Thanks for this beautiful exploration of possibilities. And through such a powerful lens--motherhood.
thank you for reading, holly! i'm deeply comforted by that imagining, and by trusting that there is some meta version of me that contains every fig.
Beautiful essay, so short and yet does justice to the ultimate question of female-hood.
Lauren! Thanks for writing about this topic. I'm 35 too and this has been a major topic in my life, to say Im overthinking motherhood would be an understatement, but I have also found myself incredibly curious about it, I find many parts of it fascinating. At the same time, I have seen my friends become mothers and witnessed how little this society tends to mothers, and how much of an isolating experience it can actually be. Now im in the midst of many decisions: freezing eggs, starting to try, figuring out all my traumas, etc etc etc. I loved a book about these topics called Breasts and Eggs. Loved all your references and your raw honesty. Thank you!